Down in the Grumps

I don't think I'm unique when I say that I swing back and forth between being in awe of and being thoroughly annoyed by people who have everything sorted out on a regular basis. By "sorted out," I guess I mean a lovely and orderly home, coupons clipped, plans planned, clever projects for the kids, stately posture, hair coiffed to perfection in that carefree way, but still smiling. One of those smiles that isn't paired with scary eyes that are open too wide and make you think this lady had some help from junior's ADD meds. Like a real, pleasant smile. Like, this stuff's all done, and it's all in a day because that's just textbook me, you know *genuine smile* because I don't get depressed unless I happen to be in front of a canvas or a computer at the time, and then I just call it my muse *genuine smile* and I only get bone-deep exhausted when it's bedtime or once a week in the middle of the day when I put a socially responsible movie on for the kids *smiling still* and I never ever get razor burn.

So, long story long, you get the idea. I'm tired today and nothing I wanted to finish got finished today. I quit my job and came home so I wouldn't feel like I was failing to be that insufferable twit up there - so that I could be my own revolutionized version of that insufferable twit. And I haven't yet even managed to be my own version. And the house still is pants (thanks, Janet - for the word, not for the state of my house).

Back to the beginning, I'm hoping to swing back to being annoyed by the insufferable twit so I can get back to the business of not caring and just being. That's when you get in trouble - when you get caught swimming upstream, trying to fit your square pegs into round holes, and all that. Then you double fail. You can't even be good at what you're good at because you're too busy trying to be good at being a caterpillar. Because, see, you're not a caterpillar, and when you try to be, you just look like a stupid human, when you were probably a perfectly nice human before all this caterpillar nonsense.

No worries. I'm just in a mood. I'll be better tomorrow. I usually am. Watch out for Thursday, though.

Quit trying. I got this.

Doh-mess-tee-kayted. Roit!

I don't have much to write about. Write well about, I should say. I've picked up cooking and sewing, and by picked up, I'm sure you know I mean I'm stumbling through trying to do both, but that's how you learn, right? I've found that You Tube is a great resource for someone who is stumbling around, trying to learn something. I've watched a lot of sewing how-tos on the Threads channel. I love that lady. I watch her, and I feel like if I keep watching, she is going to do something really crazy any second. I always feel that way watching any sewing show, but this lady...this lady will go batshit in 3...2... .... .... no, 3...2... ... and she never does, but you can feel it about to happen, and it adds a great exciting suspense to learning how to sew a seam.

And as for cooking, I guess I don't use videos, I mostly use books and allrecipes[dot]com. But then there is this girl. And she's fun to watch.

Out With the Old, Out with the New

My commentary on how long it's been since I've posted isn't really worth reading, so I'll skip it.

The company I work for moved to a brand spanky new building. Actually, the company my company rents space from built a new behemoth, and my company has a floor within the new behemoth. We've all been excitedly awaiting this new building for a couple of years now. On our worst days, we would say "I'm quitting! But not until I get to see the new building. Then, I'm QUITTING." We were all enticed by the pretty color schemes, the promise of windows next to our desks - windows with sunlight! - and a new dawn for our department - our whole company!

When we all first walked into the new building, we were in awe. It's bright, beautiful, spacious, modern. Then you get to our floor. Today was day 19 in the new building. We've all spent nearly 3 weeks trying hard not to be negative, trying hard to remember how excited we were to move into The Future of Cancer Care. But we're still waiting on that new dawn. So, I figured this called for lists. I'm going to just get all that negativity out of my system here, and maybe there'll be a little hat tip to some of the good things before I wrap this up.

You Get What You Pay For

1. The "tile" on our floor is about the quality of fruit roll-ups painted gray. 19 days in, and it's gouged up like Seal's face (no offense, Seal- I loved Kiss from a Rose).

2. No one can seem to master the art of consistent air pressure from one room to the next. Your hair blows dramatically as you pass through doorways, and just when it starts making you feel glamorous, the door slams hard behind you and makes you wet your pants.

3. Our state-of-the-art break room can hold up to 10 people on a floor that employs around 75 - and no, you may not eat at your desk. You might sully the pretty gouged floors. This is the Future of Cancer Care! You cram yourself into the break room until the fire codes weep from neglect.

4. Our state-of-the-art break room has an ice machine - a big one! Cool! Heh. It broke twice during the first 7 days we were there, flooding the break room. It also has two microwaves! They also broke. We have new fancy patterned styrofoam cups in there, though. Not those bland white ones that actually insulate your fingers from heat - nope! These burn the shit out of your hand while you drink your coffee and tread water with your 74 coworkers in the break room.

5. It seems we hired Acme ADA inspectors to consult on the building's design. Not a single doorway in the place is actually built for a person in a wheelchair to easily get through. Wait, that's not true - a few of the doorways are. Which ones? The stair well doorways. Yes.

6. One of the elevators takes you to the 5th floor, regardless of which button you pushed.

7. What's left? Let's see - a third of the exam tables were broken on day 1, and could only be positioned in the 90 degree ramrod straight up position. Soap dispensers didn't work, doors were designed to open against the exam table so you almost hit the patient every time to walk in, and there was no toilet paper.

8. Also, it turns out that working for years without seeing sunlight leaves you at a disadvantage. Now we're all walking around discombobulated and squinting because it's so BRIGHT. Does it have to be so BRIGHT?

9. This amazingly spacious clinic is not ideal for ill people with difficulty walking any sort of distance. But, I guess we could just put them in a wheelchair...

You Also Get a Little of What the Landlord Paid For

1. The rest of the building is amazing. I think I said that already, but it bears repeating.

2. The new cafeteria sells really healthy food and biodegradable containers to put it in. It costs about what you would expect, though, and your insurance doesn't cover it.

3. That window by my desk is very pretty.

4. Ready made small talk with patients every day: So, what do you think of the new digs? Isn't it spacious? You can catch your breath a minute before you answer. I'll wait.

5. The faucet in the break room actually has hot water that comes out hot. Big improvement from the old building. And we have a filtered water machine that dispenses cold AND hot water. Pretty nifty, I think.

All in all, it's cool. Lots of work went into it. Not all of it was well thought out work, but there was lots of it. I've seen the new building now.

And I've submitted a couple of resumes to other places this week. Because you can't paint the ship and expect it to stop leaking.

The End of an Era

After my son was born, I stayed home with him for a little while. When I did return to work, I returned part-time, which was a pretty great deal, and I count myself lucky that my old job took me back part-time. But wait! Then I found out that if I worked three more measly hours, I could be "reduced full-time," which means I got benefits and accrued time off. So I did it. 30 hours a week, and full benefits? Yes.

That was almost four years ago. Lots has changed here at the good old jay-oh-bee, and it looks like my wonderful nook as reduced full-time is no longer ok. The fit has hit the shan. All cards are on the table. The monkey has flown the coop. That's right: I've got to start working full time, or go somewheres else. But where else would one go to find a "reduced full time" job? Starbucks? Well, I just paid $260 and a lot of time, energy, and worry to become certified in my field, so that's a no for Starbucks.

So, here I will stay. I don't know exactly when the full-time deal starts. Soon. I'll make a list of pros and cons here because that's what I'm here to do: weigh. But I already know that the pros aren't making me feel much better about the cons right now.

PRO More money - this doesn't matter a whole lot, and the extra I'll be paying in day care will probably soak a lot of it up.

PRO More vacation time - meh. They just make you feel guilty for taking off when you do, so no, this doesn't help.

PRO Accepted as a full member of the team again with a clear role that I and everyone else understand. THIS is good. THIS will make it worthwhile on the days when the cons get me down. I hope. Feeling like an addendum to our team has been pretty demoralizing at times, so I'm looking forward to...not feeling that way, I guess.

CON I lose 10 hours a week that I have spent with Cooper and Sadie. 10 hours that they didn't have to be in day care. I lose my new "Mommy and Sadie Day" on Mondays that started when Cooper started Kindergarten a few weeks ago. I have looked so forward to that since I came back from maternity leave with her, and now I'm going to lose it after only about a month. That might be the worst of all of this.

CON I'll now have to request off for appointments when I used to just schedule them all on my day off. To me, that's less separation of work and home. Now it's like I'm logging all my hours used for doctor appointments.

CON Sadie will spend more time at day care. Another full day. I'm really not happy about that, either.

CON I'll have to spend my weekends getting all my laundry done (like everyone else). Right now I do that on Mondays, and save my weekends for other stuff.

So there it all is. I is sad. Mom and Brent have both assured me that I'm way more worried about the time I'm losing with the kids than the kids are. Not sure if that's helpful or not, but likely true. Le sigh.

Writing

I'm writing a story. I have this habit of taking forfreakingever to tell a story because I insist on being completely descriptive and on using million-dollar words when the complementary ones will do just fine. So, I'm writing a story with the ultimate goal of becoming less conversationally awkward. I figure that if I can get it out of my system on paper/word document/whathaveyou, then I can be a little less annoying in person.

So far, I'd say it's having the opposite effect.  It was worth a shot. It was also my last ditch effort, so that's it people. If you were holding out hope that I'd find a way to be less verbally pretentious, or maybe just learn how to shut my yakking piehole, you can hang it up. It ain't happenin'.